My PJs don't match. In fact I've worn the same for the last three days.The first few weeks of maternity leave means jammie days more often than normal days, that much I was completely aware of, in fact, I looked forward to it. In my head though, I was in nice, clean, cosy matching pyjamas, living the high life on my couch. Flannel ones, the nice kind. The reality is that not once have I worn a pair of these nice kind, I've not even worn a matching pair since I had Harrison - at this point, I don't even think I own a matching pair. The night feeds mean that daytime is no different than night-time and it's a rarity that I bother to change in the morning if Harrison has had a bad night. Sick stained and lived in is the look I'm going for.
Lunching isn't as easy when it takes four hours to leave the house.With a 5 week old who doesn't like being put down, getting both myself and him ready to leave the house bordering on mission impossible. On the off chance he decides to nap outwith my arms, by the time I've got myself ready, tidied the house (kind of), dressed bub and packed the three bags we inevitably will take with us for our 40 minute excursion, it's time to feed again, and I'm so exhausted that even the thought of a pick me up coffee isn't enough to make me leave the house. I'm hoping this will get easier as he gets older and I can get a coffee date or two in.
Getting any work done is almost impossible.
I have no time to get bored.Everyone told me I'd be so bored. I'm only 5 weeks in, so ask me again in 4 months time, but how on earth I'm supposed to get bored when I feel like the day is over in a second I don't know. It takes me until midday to even get ready, never mind do anything worthwhile with my day. At the end of the day I don't feel like I've managed to accomplish anything, but throughout it I feel as though I'm constantly doing something. Baby days are decieving.
It's not always smiles and rainbows.I'd love to sit here and say my first month has been glorious - I have a beautiful healthy baby boy, and so I should be happy and chirpy and over the moon, and the reality is that that just is not the case. No matter how good a day I'm having one day, there's nothing to say the next I won't be in a haze of newborn exhaustion and ultimately feeling sorry for myself. No one told me I'd feel sorry for myself when I had a baby. I'm not supposed to after all - kids are the best gift in the world. That's true, but it doesn't make it any easier to not be a hormonal wreck in the first month. I have my ups and downs, and these days a hell of a lot more ups than I do downs.
I'd heard of mum-guilt, but I expected this to happen when I went back to work and to be because I was going back to work, instead, I got it in the first month, for not going back to work. It had nothing to do with Harrison as such, personal opinion is that a mum should always be with their child for the first stages, but leaving your other half to work upwards of 70 hours a week to try and move into a new house quicker whilst you sit at home on the couch will never sit right. I would never change it, but not being able to contribute the way I used to hits hard, and I hate feeling helpless when it comes to money. I suppose that's why I've threw myself into this blog as much as I have also, there is such a stigma about people who blog simply for the money, or for the 'free stuff', that's not what I mean by why I threw myself in. Treating a blog like a job gives me a purpose during nap-time, I don't feel quite as lazy, or like I'm doing nothing whilst Jordan works.
So that's my reality right now. I'm under no false allusions that this will change - probably very quickly. Everyday gets a little easier, and with it, the bad days are further and further apart. Maternity leave is far from glamorous, but it's uninterrupted time with my favourite little person, and I plan on appreciating every minute of it, these days will be over before I know it.